May 2010
3 posts
This Little Light of Mine
Unfortunately, the story of Alan Wake doesn’t shine, but if you enjoy spooky, straight forward and repetitive third person combat…Eh, just go play Splinter Cell.
The Silent Killer
No, not carbon monoxide, Sam Fisher! I could whine about how the story in Splinter Cell: Conviction is baffling or how Michael Ironsides voice acting sounds a little sloshed, but what really matters is the fact that Sam Fisher makes stepping out of the shadows to strangle soldiers fun again.
Dog with Gun & Psycho Bunny vs. Space Ape
The new season of Sam & Max is available for download. If you like humor, go give Tell Tale games some money and you’ll get a snazzy point-and-click adventure to go along with your laughs.
April 2010
1 post
8-bits of Awesome
Classics are classics for a reason.
March 2010
2 posts
Someone Needs a Time Out
God of War III is one of the most anticipated games of the year and if you like ultra-violent revenge fantasies, you are in for a treat. That’s not really my bag but I was still pretty impressed with all the aspects that didn’t involve overblown temper tantrums.
Big Budgets, Sketchy Quality
I’m not generally interested in the hard business view of the video game industry, but when I saw how bad some of the games with the biggest production budgets were, I just couldn’t help but weigh in.
February 2010
4 posts
Here Comes the Rain
Heavy Rain is strange, intense, compelling, compulsive, dark and a video game you should be playing right now. Click the morose man standing in the rain to read more of my nuanced praise for the game.
Pie in the Sky
The Misadventures of PB Winterbottom combines many of my favorite things: Edward Gorey style illustrations, silent movie tropes, top hats and pie. Go spend the Microsoft points on it. The Odd Gentlemen are right out of school and they deserve our support.
Little Sister...
Don’t you do what your Big Sister does. Or, actually, maybe if you did, Bioshock 2 would be a better game. Go nuts, Little Sister.
Get Lost
The final season of Lost begins tonight. If you are even close to being a normal human being, you’re going to need a refresher. And maybe a couple books on quantum physics to explain all the time travel.
January 2010
4 posts
2010 Game of the Year?
Most of the Star Wars franchise is a smoking ruin. It will be years before another Star Trek movie. Battlestar Galactica is finished. Thank the Maker for Mass Effect 2, the best thing to hit SciFi since the blaster pistol.
Gaga got Nothing on This
Bayonetta stands tall in high heel pistols as one of the most over-the-top action games ever made. Hair monsters everywhere should be proud.
And if you have no idea what I’m talking about, click the link and all will be explained.
Castlevania Cramp
Ever have the urge to throw your video game console off an overpass? Ever wanted to strap explosives to your controller? Then my Crispy Gamer debut, the Field Guide to Frustration is for you!
The Best of 2009
Read my list and feel shame that you wasted your time hopping around trying not to get shot for the millionth time twelve year old homophobic delinquents in Modern Warfare 2 instead of playing these top notch titles.
December 2009
2 posts
Zombies, Zombies Everywhere
And all they did was eat. Left 4 Dead 2, like the first, but with more spice.
Head Stabbing Goodness
I hung out with Ezio Auditore da Firenze for a couple of weeks and, now that he’s gone, I kind of miss him. Sure, the head stabbing and free running was fun, but Ezio was actually a genuinely well-realized character. I hope he hangs out with Morigann from Dragon Age in the video game character break room.
November 2009
6 posts
It's a me, Mario!
That’s as much a Super Mario Brothers reference as it is an Assassin’s Creed 2 joke, believe it or not…but anyway. The New Super Mario Brothers Wii is a perfect new take on the classic side scrolling formula of old. So go buy it. Or come over my place to play the multiplayer. But bring beer, I’m all out.
Welcome to your Second Life
That is, assuming Dragon Age: Origins doesn’t simply take over your first one. Which is extremely unlikely considering its about several million hours long and has some of the best developed characters in the history of video games…
Deep Down, You Know I'm Right
To my knowledge, I am currently the only reviewer in North America who has given Modern Warfare 2 less than four stars. Sadly, I was hoping this would make me the Salman Rushdie of video game critics, but I’ve not yet recieved a single death threat.
Come on, fanboys. You’re disappointing me.
A Little Extravagant
The link right after Mr. Frey’s blog was for the company that made my absolutely excessive letterpress business cards, where they have enshrined said cards in their portfolio. I love that they said they were ‘certainly unique.’ Sounds synonymous with ‘I didn’t really like these but I feel like I have to find something nice to say.’
Strange Bedfellows →
Sometimes I Google myself (don’t act all surprised, you do it too). Today, I learned that Jame Frey, the disgraced memoirist who wrote A Million Little Pieces has linked to my “Pinball Hall of Fame” review. How’s that for weird?
Andy is Tired
Andy: Why are there snakes crawling on the walls in the office? Big spiders, too?
Me: They have to crawl there. If they crawled on the floor, they'd be in the way
Andy: Okay...makes sense.
Me: Glad we cleared that up
Andy: Glad you see 'em too. Thought I might be going delirious.
Me: Nah, you're doin' fine.
October 2009
6 posts
Have Gun, will Shoot Repeatedly
If you want a shooter, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is sure to please. If RPGs are more your speed, Dragon Age is mere days away. If you’re looking for some crazy online mayhem with your friends, Left 4 Dead 2 is right around the corner. If you want you’re eyes to fall out of your head due to repetitive boredom, go out right now and pick up Borderlands.
Marco Polo's Loss is Our Gain
Everyone who has even a passing interest in video games should play Uncharted 2. It is perfect in almost every way. It is beautiful. It is well written. It is thrilling. And it may just be the game of the year.
Katamari is Weird
Na Naaaaaa Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Naaaaa
Gorgar will Eat You
Yup. I reviewed a pinball game. Not only that, but it’s a damn good pinball game. So much so that I’m toying with the idea of buying a vintage pinball machine for the new studio when its finished. Anyone got a lead on a refurbished Gorgar?
Short but Sweet
Halo 3: ODST is the closest you can get to the movie Brick on your Xbox 360. Except with more laser guns and aliens.
Cthulhu is in this Game
So that means it is worth every penny.
September 2009
6 posts
Guns don't Kill People...
…Rubi does. Plagues, wars, natural disasters; Rubi outkills them all. In slow motion. With extensive property damage.
Pretty but Empty
Not even giant octopi are enough to make me love Muramasa. It sure is mighty nice to look at, but after a couple hours…it’s just plain boring.
Bummer of the Year
I really wanted Darkest of Days to be a quirky sleeper hit. Unfortunately, if you want an entertaining history lesson, Epcot Center is still your best bet.
Wolfen-yawn
The age old tradition of hunting and killing computer simulated Nazis may finally be loosing its luster.
“All video games are stupid, worthless wastes of time, in my opinion, and...”
– Say What, a NY Daily News reader commenting on my Professor Layton review
Diabolically Awesome
Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box guarantees you will stay up at least two hours past your bed time, every night, until you finish it.
August 2009
1 post
“I cannot handle the cute dead.”
– Tracy
July 2009
4 posts
Not a Detective
The Professor: You ever figure out what my middle name is?
Me: Joseph.
The Professor: Did I tell you?
Me: You just did.
The Professor: Fuck.
Pope of Doom
When the Pope was first elected, I thought he reminded me of someone else:
Now, he’s imitating someone else entirely:
“I’m thinking I might get stopped by the Transit Authority if I smell like...”
– Tracy
4 tags
Dan Aykroyd sees Dead People
Dan Aykroyd’s lone encounter with the paranormal, as told to me back in April:
“We lived in Mama Cass’ old estate. There was a death on the hillside, some hippie came up from Sunset Boulevard and died at a party and they buried him on the hillside. I remember the maids used to talk about the stair master going and they used to hear voices, one of them was touched and turned around....
June 2009
5 posts
Yawn Inducing Mayhem
The laughably adolescent Prototype is the kind of game I truly dislike: plenty of potential, a saturating advertising campaign, a cult of irrational fans and an uninspired end product. Gamers deserve better than this.
9 tags
City of Pixels
In my ongoing efforts to capitalize on the release of Ghostbusters: The Video Game, I give you a gallery of video games set in New York City. Things have changed a lot in twenty five years of gaming…
8 tags
Dogs and Cats, Living Together...
Let’s say Ghostbusters: The Video Game was a Twinkie. Based on how much fun it is to play, it would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds. That’s a big Twinkie.
9 tags
The Boys are Back
Dan Aykroyd is really excited about Ghostbusters: The Video Game. I got to talk to him about it a couple months ago and he gave me a bottle of his Crystal Head vodka to make sure I wrote about it. Cheers Dan!
8 tags
Sweaty Man on Man Action
UFC is the closest our society will ever get to the Roman gladiators of old. But as sure as I am that any one of those guys could punch me into a million fatty pieces, they do tend to lay on top of each other a little much.
May 2009
4 posts
7 tags
Lightning and Parkour
When it comes to games and choosing between good and evil, I have a hard time being evil. Which means I’ll play the main quest as a good guy. It doesn’t mean I won’t electrocute the occasional annoying civilian…
7 tags
Dreadful
Easily the worst game I’ve encountered so far this year, Bionic Commando is an overhyped, unplayable piece of garbage. And with this review, I pretty much guarantee that Capcom will never, ever send me free things again.
6 tags
What About You?
As usual, big events on Lost mean I get to write something about the show and its crazy fandom. This time its a jokey take on the best theories about what the hell is going on on the island. CLICK!
10 tags
Glad to Have you Back, Mr. Bubbles
Bioshock 2 is coming out soon and boy, does it look good. How good, you ask? Well, I wrote a preview piece all about. Go on, take a look. I don’t think Big Sister is watching right now, it should be safe…
April 2009
3 posts
15 tags
Spring Flings
I got kind of distracted this winter, so a bunch of worthy (and terrible) games slipped by me. So here’s a collection of short reviews to catch up. Also, this marks the first time I’ve publically slammed a video game! Exciting!
10 tags
"People I Help End Up Dead"
That’s Riddick for ya. So full of hope. What he lacks in optimism, though, he makes up for in kick-ass video game making. Click through and pay special attention to the shiny new stars they’re letting me use.